We sometimes fall in love with very unpredictable and emotionally frozen people. We are blinded by their beauty and charisma. We cannot leave them even though we know that this person is harmful to our lives. But why? Scientists have discovered that the same neurochemicals that are released in a mother's brain after the birth of a child to form an attachment with her child are also released when forming an attachment with a loved one. From a neurochemical perspective, the person we love is our child. Now the question is, can you leave your child if he or she mistreats you?
For the same reason, we also cannot accept a breakup. Separating a mother from her child and separating a lover from her lover create the same neurochemical impact. But where does our sense of attachment come from? A person's love circuit is actually written by his or her family. A family that is sensitive and responsive to their child develops a secure attachment style. And families that respond to their children inconsistently develop an “anxious attachment style.” These people always want validation, and see distance from loved ones as a threat to their nervous system. They think, “I am replaceable!” They send too many messages, interpret silence as rejection, and overthink. And families that mistreat their children, maintain distance, and are unresponsive develop an “avoidant attachment style” in their children. Although they are initially very interested in relationships, as soon as closeness increases, they reject and shut down emotionally. Their nervous system tells them, if you depend, you will get trapped. Feeling needed by someone means you are weak.
Our society teaches us to be emotionally blind. We are told that dependency = weakness, closeness = neediness and emotional reliance = immaturity. They almost make independence a moral virtue. As a result, if someone wants emotional support, they are considered weak and if someone maintains distance, they are considered strong. But the reality is that we cannot survive without attachment.
Approximately 2 million years ago, our ancestors lived in the African savannah. At that time, if we had failed to form attachments with loved ones, family and society, then we would have become food for tigers and lions. We were designed for dependency, we were not designed to survive alone. This belief that all people should be “emotionally self-sufficient” is wrong. This idea is not new. It was once believed in Western society that if a child is pampered too much, he will become weak. It was a pseudo-scientific myth.
Around 1920, people believed that let children cry, don't pamper them, feed them according to rules and not according to their emotions. They believed that if they were loved too much, children would become insecure. A mad scientist named John Watson established a terrible idea, according to him, the ideal child doesn't cry, doesn't want to be attached, they are authoritarian, fearless and self-reliant. Although it may sound nice, modern science has shown that such children are emotionally dead. They grow up to be machines.
The most terrible thing is that in today's era, even though we have "accepted attachment" in children, we still do not want to accept it in adult relationships. When we grow up, we are taught that you cannot be needy, you have to be strong, you cannot depend on anyone. This society teaches us to think that being emotionally frozen is normal. But what people do not know even in today's society is that even after a person grows up, his nervous system does not change. Society and culture change, but the attachment circuit of our brain does not change.
Humans evolved 200,000 years ago. This is not even a tiny fraction of a second in the eyes of evolution. In such a short time, our Stone Age brain circuit has not changed. Even if there are no tigers or lions around us now, genetically we still want to be attached. Children say—“Don’t leave me” adults say—“Reply to my messages. Same system. Different expression. If you understand this, the drama in the relationship will decrease. If you don’t—same pain, different person.
The more you deny people’s emotional needs, the faster your relationship will break down. And for this, anxious people blame themselves, avoidant people demonize intimacy, and secure people are confused.
Biology says that love is not a psychological issue at all, it is a direct physical issue. When you become attached to a person, both of your body systems are not separate, they become one. Your partner controls your heart rate, affects blood pressure, calms your breathing pattern, changes the levels of cortisol, oxytocin and adrenaline hormones. Separation of love is not a psychological effect, but a direct biological effect.
Humans are not independent, we have been Made for dependency. It is not our choice, it is not our weakness and it is not our immaturity. James Coyne once did an experiment on the brain of a married woman. He was giving her stress with electric shocks and was observing the hypothalamus of her brain by scanning her brain. When she is stressed, the hypothalamus responds to threat. After placing her hand on a stranger's hand, the threat response decreases slightly but when her husband touches her, her threat response stops. The hypothalamus is completely silent!! This is not an imagination, it is her brain activity. Your brain receives your partner as an "external nervous system regulator". That is why married women are less stressed.
Our society teaches us, “Don’t depend on your partner” “Don’t make them your world”. But biology says, your partner is your child. He is dependent on you like a child. Dependence is not an emotional defect. It is a neurobiological reality. People cannot be “Emotionally independent”. They can only be “Emotionally disconnected”.
Missing someone is not your weakness, needing someone is not your immaturity. You can deny my statement if you want but you cannot deny your hypothalamus. A relationship that calms you down, that relationship makes you healthy. A relationship that keeps you “chronically anxious”__that relationship wears you down biologically. You are human. And humans are not designed to be alone—neuroscience has made that clear.
I will be independent, but I will not depend”—this is a fantasy. The biggest “survival advantage” comes when two people become a “physiological unit”. He or she is part of me, and I will do anything to save him or her. This is not a poem. This is the theory of evolution. Many people think—if you depend, your career will go, your friends will go, your individuality will go. But biology tells us the complete opposite. You can walk the world most freely, only when your brain knows— “There is someone behind you, whom I can trust.” When you get secure dependency from someone, only then you get true independence. You can take risks! You can grow. You can face the world because there is a fallback. If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person.
Sarah Kim once did an experiment on children, she put them in a new environment with lots of toys. The child is playing confidently and looking at the mother. This is called security checking. When the mother leaves, the child panics, cries and bangs on the door. This is not weakness. This is the “separation distress reflex”. As soon as the mother returns, the child’s nervous system calms down. When a child understands that he is not alone, that there is someone if he needs it, he becomes independent. When the child does not get a secure base, his discovery stops, his curiosity decreases and his learning slows down. When you have a secure partner, you can take risks, do new things and expand emotionally. All your mental energy is spent on an unreliable partner, you cannot discover the world. Children are independent because the mother is reliable. Adults are independent because the partner is reliable.
If your partner is not faithful, your nervous system will never be able to stand strong. Your partner decides how big your dreams and hopes will be fulfilled in the future (future attempt rate). He decides how much risk you will take and how high your IQ will be. If your partner is unfaithful, your immune system will be weakened, you will have to be biologically compromised.
I will not say bad about any person, but an “inconsistently available partner” is a threat to you. An unpredictable partner is a nightmare. The one who is here today and gone tomorrow__he never relaxes you. Your brain is always scanning, the background noise keeps going, there is no opportunity for improvement in life. And so instead of finding a good partner, learn about your DNA. What kind of person are you and what kind of partner do you want.
Lihan Prime
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